I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
