I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
