the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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