Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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