remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
