Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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