Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
