I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
