I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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