im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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