He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
