He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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