i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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