I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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