Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He felt like a one man threesome
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
