i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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