I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
