she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
