i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
