I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I want her autograph on my taint
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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