i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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