Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
