tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
