the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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