You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
