dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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