I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I am mentally ready for anal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
