I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
