Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
