I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
