omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
