This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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