I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Two words: nipple clamps
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