Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
