On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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