i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
bring money and cleavage
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
