Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
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