boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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