He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
