saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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