All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
