why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
