I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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