First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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