Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
