Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
