I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
