Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
