I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
