how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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