dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
