OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
