if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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